A list of things that the aftermath of "Woman's Prison" has taught me.
---- that I would have an emotional and physical breakdown once the project was over. When you are shooting a movie, you are no longer a civilian. All human desires and urges cease to exist. You are a robot in production mode. The world outside does not exist unless it becomes a conflict. And once production and post production was over, my body collapsed. My emotions were strained. There is an aftermath, you have achieved something, but it will also be difficult to join back with the rest of the world. I had to relearn normal life after 11 months of living in that project, I had to learn how to go for a walk, sit down and eat a meal. I had to relearn how to watch Television.
---- that post production would be more stressful then production. When you are shooting one of the straining obstacles is dealing people and their schedules. When you are in post-production the biggest strain will be dealing strange computer glitches, hard drive malfunctions, damaged or lost footage, spending hours exporting 20 minutes reels to give to your sound designer only to realize it is in the wrong format. Exporting the movie for two hours for print, only to notice that during the very last scene there is three seconds of random black. Its 4:00 am, and now you have to re-do the whole thing. Now do this while living in New York City and it becomes even more stressful because no one ever has any time, and post production issues take up so much time. Argh.
---- that I would never be able to wear high heels again. Once production was finally finished, my body decided that I could longer wear clothes that would be demanding. In fact, I couldn't wear anything besides sweatpants and sneakers for a while. Wearing anything that required a performance of some kind, restricted my thinking. I can't explain it, but it was true. Being stripped of how I looked and any connection to it, made the work better. You get done so much done wearing sweatpants and sneakers.
----- that I would understand where my former mangers and bosses were coming from. Yeah, this is most likely the hardest truth that I had to deal with. I have gotten fired more times then Charles Bukowski from mind numbing service jobs. Now looking back, I feel really sorry for that U.P. Mall manager that had to put up with me.
---- that filmmaking commodifies life. Sometimes filmmaking only amounts to avoiding potential law suits.
----- that I would no longer be an idealist. Everything would be replaced with practicality. Making a film forces you to see why things don't work. Why armies fail, why social movement dissolve. Often, it is because those movements are built with reactionary emotion. What leads to successful social movements is that everyone involved has a personal stake, a selfish reason for doing the project. And, trust me, the social worker within me, was a shocked to find out why Marxism will not work, (well at least in America.) Everyone has to pull their own weight, which does not always happen in social revolutions. Film hours are so gurgling that no one is going to stick around if they can go eat Ponderosa or watch Lost. They have to be there for a selfish reason. (i.e. they want to learn, they want to make connections, they want the shot for their reel, they want to get laid by the boom operator.)
---- my sex drive would be replaced with a lust for sleep. Tina Frey once said, "the thinking man still wants to fuck Megan Fox." After a few experiences with famous scholars, I can concur, this is very true. However, what of the thinking lady? What does she want? And for me, I wish I would have been told "After you make this movie, you will never be the same again." Meaning you will never be able to deal with stupid, young boys ever again after this experience so get it while you can. Yikes. So there you have it young teenage girls, have sex with anybody you lust after, because once boys hit 25 their necks start to expand and they get lazy. Do it when everyone around you is good looking. But use birth control, please. Use lots of it.
----- that making your first feature film is actually starting a small business but you don't know it. I was accidentally starting my own business not just making art. And of course this catches up with filmmakers as we pay film festival fees, go to the film festivals, rent equipment and so on.
----- that even though you have advanced emotionally, artistically, you will be sought out and surrounded by shallow people. Even though you have become a very sensitive person, you will be working with shallow people constantly. People who will judge you for being imperfect, for being sensitive. This is why it is very important to have a very close knit circle of people around who will let you be yourself before you go into this craft. Ever wonder why once people move to LA they have a new nose and lips? It because most of the people who work in the entertainment business become surrounded by only the business. And it takes away from the thing that made that star, director or writer successful. Before anyone gets that nose job, remember these words: Jennifer Grey.
---- Never tell a workaholic to give it their all. Or to burn fire under their ass, usually this results in them lighting themselves on fire and taking the house with them. If you give the film business your all, it will take it all. Boundaries are important, really establish alone time for yourself to do civilian actives such as strolling down the street or eating in a public place.
---- That for the rest of my life I will have people coming up to me pitching me their film ideas even though I am in no position to make it happen. One of my goals as a filmmaker was to make an emotional impact on other people. To create a sense of empathy for someone and a situation that they otherwise may have not ever understood. Being able to do this has brought a tremendous truth to my life. However, now it will forever spark that opportunist look in people's eyes. They want something from me. They want me to make the worst thing that ever happened to them into a movie. This pitch is usually followed up with, "Don't steal my idea, or I will sue you."
------ You went through transforming experience. Something that most people will never relate to. The maturity, the bravery, the commitment to yourself, the foresight you needed. You didn't expect your goals to change, or for your values and ideals to be obliterated. Suddenly one must adopt new responsibilities in order to keep going. will need to find new people, people who understand what happened to you and will support you. You must find people that do not want anything from you beside you.
---- Initiation is over. Time to join the club. There are civilians and there are filmmakers. Civilians have flexible schedules and free time. Filmmakers are never free from what they do, they are never free from the impending future project. There are people before the filmmaking process and people after. You may recall a person's face when they first discovered how much work went into making a film, they feel betrayed. But you can't be both a civilian and a filmmaker. You have to pick. Civilians have excuses, civilians won't give up their comfort. Filmmakers are ready to leap off of a cliff if it means getting their films finished. We as filmmakers, really do exchange our lives to bring our films to you, the public, to the civilian sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and burping. Ironic, isn't it?
And so now, it is official: your sacrifices, physical discomforts, your ability to love the loss, the pain, the beautiful thing: you realize that life is really about enjoying the discomfort of what you love. And so now, you won't relate to people the same, or look at the world the same. You have changed permanently. You know this is what you are. Yet that does not make it any easier. Since what you love interrupts civilian life. Filmmaking demands us to be unhealthy at times (i.e not sleeping, drinking too much coffee, not exercising enough, creative stress, emotional stress.). I know what that I am filmmaker, whether I want to be now or not. That is the beast that I have become. It has to be practiced carefully. What I love to do may also be the thing that will be my undoing.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Ruthless Yet With A Heart
What I have learned, is that you can't be desperate. Desperation never yields good results. It is unfair and bizarre how life works, yet one can see from extreme examples in the world that those who are the most need rarely never get it and those with the least need usually are the ones who get things for free.
And so being in a room with other filmmakers, people who may call themselves my peers, I felt suffocated by their aggressive desperation. They ate up the air in the room as well as ate up the hope that I would find people to collaborate with. These were not collaborators, these were people who were looking for redemption. After making Woman's Prison I see that so many people come to filmmaking looking for redemption. They seek to right a wrong, for some experience to be lifted from their shoulders. However, they are unaware that once they begin a film, a whole new set of baggage descends. And for me, it was the role itself which brought on the baggage. A director has to be ruthless yet have a heart at the same time. It is like shooting some one and the saying, "Hang on" while removing the bullet.
As many people come to me, telling me their tragedies because they say, want me to turn into a movie. I believe that movies provide universal consul for many bad experiences, however it is the storytelling and the characters that make us pay attention, it is that these tragedies are somewhat resolved at the end. To to be a director is to be ruthless and to have a heart at the same time. The role carries a paradox within it, however, the most important thing is to build working relationships with people, yet I could not with a group of desperate junkies all frustrated, unshaven, demanding, that everyone owns them an audience.
I had to get away. It was overwhelming and it was a place that I had been at once. I jumped in a cab.
My knees started shaking. It wasn't the shaking of too much exercise or too much coffee, it was the shaking from panic. The panic of being overwhelmed, erased. It is what happened when you meet other who are too much like you and want a piece of you. That despair, that weight, burden black hole, was suddenly coming out of nowhere to find me again.
It is the lonesome position that we directors/producers are placed in. That paradox we live. You have to be ruthless and have a heart. It takes a particular group of people to understand how much we have against us as we make films already, that we don't need people inviting doubt or negativity to set. Film sets demand mental discipline. Once the word action is called, your heart flickers on, that word can protect your heart, however once cut is called, shut your heart off, because you will have to deal with the forces of the world once again. Triggers of the pain of shooting starting coming back. I wanted out of the cab, I wanted away from the experience. I wanted away from my ruthless heart that demands results.
And so being in a room with other filmmakers, people who may call themselves my peers, I felt suffocated by their aggressive desperation. They ate up the air in the room as well as ate up the hope that I would find people to collaborate with. These were not collaborators, these were people who were looking for redemption. After making Woman's Prison I see that so many people come to filmmaking looking for redemption. They seek to right a wrong, for some experience to be lifted from their shoulders. However, they are unaware that once they begin a film, a whole new set of baggage descends. And for me, it was the role itself which brought on the baggage. A director has to be ruthless yet have a heart at the same time. It is like shooting some one and the saying, "Hang on" while removing the bullet.
As many people come to me, telling me their tragedies because they say, want me to turn into a movie. I believe that movies provide universal consul for many bad experiences, however it is the storytelling and the characters that make us pay attention, it is that these tragedies are somewhat resolved at the end. To to be a director is to be ruthless and to have a heart at the same time. The role carries a paradox within it, however, the most important thing is to build working relationships with people, yet I could not with a group of desperate junkies all frustrated, unshaven, demanding, that everyone owns them an audience.
I had to get away. It was overwhelming and it was a place that I had been at once. I jumped in a cab.
My knees started shaking. It wasn't the shaking of too much exercise or too much coffee, it was the shaking from panic. The panic of being overwhelmed, erased. It is what happened when you meet other who are too much like you and want a piece of you. That despair, that weight, burden black hole, was suddenly coming out of nowhere to find me again.
It is the lonesome position that we directors/producers are placed in. That paradox we live. You have to be ruthless and have a heart. It takes a particular group of people to understand how much we have against us as we make films already, that we don't need people inviting doubt or negativity to set. Film sets demand mental discipline. Once the word action is called, your heart flickers on, that word can protect your heart, however once cut is called, shut your heart off, because you will have to deal with the forces of the world once again. Triggers of the pain of shooting starting coming back. I wanted out of the cab, I wanted away from the experience. I wanted away from my ruthless heart that demands results.
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