There is always hope when you leave. Julie Ann learned this from her mother, Susan. And cars offer you the best kind of hope. You can get away from abuse, from boredom, just by skidding off onto the road.Julie Ann’s favorite moments were in a car. They would sing The Judds' together when they were driving to one more temporary place to live. Susan always made light of those situations; as if they were just parts that life would eventually skip over and soon forget on their way towards something better
But eventually, you have to pull over and turn the car off. You reach where you are going and realize that nothing has changed. Julie Ann could always tell when Susan was thinking about that.
Susan Mabry was only 14 years old when she gave birth to Julie Ann. Naturally, with many emotionally immature teenagers, Susan was excited about having a baby. The actual birth part was a bit intimidating, still Susan was excited about playing house.
She didn't realize all the possibilities that were going to disappear once Julie Ann was born. That she was skipping over adolescence, skipping over moments to herself, moments of infatuation, of romance with music or art. Susan had no idea that she just traded freedom to live a burdened existence.
Yet, what Susan had before Julie Ann was born was not exactly freedom. Susan never knew her dad; her Mother had three daughters by three different men. None of the sisters looked like each other besides for the fact they all bleached their hair. Her Mom, Diane waitressed at a bar and at a diner, the girls grew up having their mother’s part time boyfriends forming terrible examples of manhood. Despite this, Susan was still a smart and sweet girl. She wanted to grow up and be a model or someone that would be worthy of being interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Since Susan shared a room with all of her sisters, she didn’t pray, instead she silently told God her thoughts as little prayers. Before she went to bed, she’d tell God a thought prayer of walking Barbara Walters through the run down neighborhoods she grew up in, watching Barbara’s expression of surprise upon hearing all Susan had overcame just to be sitting next to her today.
Susan would smile to herself. She knew she was different, was special. She was different from her other sisters. Marsha and Leigh were just not as pretty as Susan. They did not have the ability to adapt that Susan did, or the ability to entertain. Marsha had a wild streak yet that had to be tamed so she could take care of her sisters, occasionally. Leigh took after her father and looked too much like him too. Leigh had dark arm hair that she shaved off, and always was the reason for the bathtub clogging up.
In a strange way, she saw having a baby with her boyfriend John Douglas Mabry as freedom. It was not a modeling contact or a lottery ticket, but it was a direction in life however burdened it would be.
She wanted out of the house that always smelled like beer and fish sticks. Where she always felt threatened by one of her mother’s boyfriends. She felt that even she did not pregnant by John D, that something terrible would have happened to her if stayed in that house, like it happened with her sister Marsha. That was the only time Susan ever left Indiana with her family. They had to drive to Chicago to get it taken care of.
After that, Susan never felt safe in that house. Her body never felt safe at all. She wondered when what happened to Marsha would happen to her. Would she too have to go into that building and come back a different person?
Susan didn’t fully understand what Marsha went through, because Diane would not tell her. She only sat in the backseat, catching glimpses between the two. Diane smoked the whole time and did not care one way or other that Marsha cried. Diane did not say one word besides “You are going in there. I just won’t have this.”
Diane walked Marsha into the building, quickly came back out, taking the girls to get ice cream. Susan kept innocently asking why Marsha was in that building and why couldn’t she go too. Diane told Susan she was getting her teeth fixed. Which gave Susan a life long fear of Dentists. Marsha walked out of the building as a broken person.
Diane handed Marsha an ice cream cone. Marsha vomited. Susan covered her nose.
When Julie Ann came into Susan’s life, it was a chance to start over. Unlike her own life, Julie Ann would have a father and know him. Her daughter would be in school, would have her hair done, and would be an only child. And Susan would never, ever cheat on John Douglas. Sooner or later, Susan would be discovered by a photographer and she would become a model or soap opera actress, take her family to Hollywood, where Julie Ann would always go swimming and go to Disney land every weekend.
All of these things, Susan planned to have happen. She never thought that maybe her mother had a similar plan too. Didn’t Diane start out as something more as well? Susan believed her mother was always failure, that she just had been careless, not naive.
Life works out. Susan thought as she packed up all of her things. Leigh helped with the last of Susan's bags into John D’s car. Marsha did not say a word to Susan.
Susan’s plan would have worked out fine, if there were not such as thing a health insurance, as bills, or as hunger. John D was not ready for the reality either. He was a 18 year old man-child, who himself needed a mother too. While Susan would never escape having child now, he was free to moments of escape. His body did not change forever, his skin not break out due to stress; his nipples did not lactate in public. Lucky for him, irresponsible men do not turn off females in Indiana, therefore he always found women to slip his escapism into.
Yet, unlike him, Susan was seeing that she had gotten it all wrong. She had just fooled herself into thinking there would be a way out. There would never be. This was it.
Her thighs and hips would never be slender again. Her body betrayed her dreams. Her midsection hung like loose skin batter over her sweatpants. A glimpse of herself in the mirror made her realize there was no modeling contact in sight and the only dream she could ever have was her baby.
Depression grew in place of her future plans. John D did not help, he yelled at Susan. He claimed that Julie Ann was his child and he could take her when ever he wanted to, even though Susan was still nursing. John D quit giving Susan money for baby food and diapers. Susan knocked on neighbor’s doors asking if anyone needed any housework done.
Lucky for Susan, once you’re beauty is no longer a threat; women befriend one another in times of need. This is how Susan Mabry met Miss Alice. Susan started out dusting and cleaning, well, actually, Miss Alice had to teach Susan how to dust and how to clean, but once she learned, Susan was a pro.
Susan did not know how important her relationship with Miss Alice would prove to be. As John D and Susan’s home life fell apart, Susan would run to Miss Alice for safety, taking Julie Ann with her. For years this went on, until John D strangled Susan so badly that Susan could not speak for two weeks.
He was not trying to kill her. He was just trying to own her.
In many ways he did. Without skills or even a grade school education, Susan was financially dependant on him. Her only real skill was being pretty and now that was gone. The wear and tear of motherhood and poverty aged her ten years. Susan knew she could not leave him.
Having foresight, Miss Alice set Susan up with a small garage apartment in Oklahoma. She would pay a year’s rent so Susan could save money and get a head start on a brand new life. Most importantly, it was far enough away for them to get away from John D and start over.
And Susan always thought to herself, "Why not me? Why can't I have a chance at something better? Why do we have to live this way? We were meant for something better I just know it." Susan thought this as they drove off in the night.
